Communication With Teens

I wanted to share an important communication tip today about connecting with your autistic teenager. Let's talk about a phenomenon I often see in my practice - what I playfully call "parent deaf."

During the teenage years, your child is in a critical phase of seeking autonomy, independence, and their own identity. This natural developmental stage means that many teens begin to feel that certain parental interactions/requests are an attempt to control them.  This is especially true when it comes to answering questions about their emotional state or daily experiences. 

For autistic teens, this stage can be particularly challenging. Many are already working harder than their neurotypical peers to navigate daily independence skills and social interactions. This extra effort can make parental questions or involvement feel even more overwhelming - almost like an additional demand on their already stretched cognitive and emotional resources.

Extensive parent questioning- even when well-intentioned - can feel especially intrusive during this time of self-discovery, and cause a state of tension and irritability. So how can we shift this dynamic?

Instead of asking direct, broad questions, one technique is making a gentle, simple observation and then leaving space for response. For example: "I notice you seem to be having a good day…pause for an affirmative response… that makes me happy to see!" or "I can tell things might be tough right now… pause … I'm here with you if you need me."

This approach accomplishes two things: it shows you're attuned to their emotional state while removing the pressure to formulate complex responses about their feelings. It also leaves space if they want to speak about it. Acknowledging struggles without demanding one explain them can be incredibly validating.

The key is flexibility. If you feel like you're pulling teeth trying to get information, pause and try a different approach. Rather than digging in with more questions, shift to empathetic observations. This opens the door for communication without demanding it.

Remember, finding the right communication approach with your autistic teen takes patience and often involves plenty of trial and error. But seeing your relationship grow stronger and your teen feel more understood, makes every effort worthwhile.