How to De-escalate Your Child’s Mental Health Crisis

When a child is spiraling into a mental health breakdown, the crisis can cause parents to feel worried, scared and helpless. It’s only natural to have these feelings. But swiftly taking concrete steps to de-escalate the crisis is a powerful way to channel that fear into productive action. While not every mental health crisis can be entirely dissipated, even lessening the distress your child is feeling is a win for everyone in the family. 

I have compiled some effective strategies to help you effectively calm your child when they are in distress. It should be said that each child is unique, and every situation has its own triggers and stressors that lead to its onset. But these proven techniques can work wonders in a range of different circumstances. The goal is to help your child feel empowered so they can regain control of their emotions and behaviors.

ACTIVE LISTENING

One of the most crucial steps you can take is really listening to your child. It is common for people experiencing a crisis to have difficulty explaining why they are upset. That doesn’t mean you have to immediately jump in to fix the problem. It might be tempting to give advice and relate your personal experiences but avoid doing this. Many of us have been conditioned to listen just long enough to give a response and be focused on our own responses more than listening to the other party. It is important that you don’t just listen to respond. Instead, listen with the primary goal of understanding. This simple act of active listening can work wonders in soothing someone who is having a meltdown. That can include asking nonjudgement open-ended questions that indicate you care about what they are going through. Give verbal acknowledgment and use supportive body language, such as nodding your head. By attentively listening, you can identify two important elements: their feelings and their wants. They might feel frightened, worried, or misunderstood. Or it might be as simple as wanting food because they are hungry. 

VERBAL TECHNIQUES

Deploying advanced verbal skills can calm a distressed child. The first step is to establish verbal connection. When in crisis, the range of attention narrows, and you need to get inside of that range to be able to effectively engage with your child. Try to designate one person as the main communicator. It can be overwhelming and feel like everyone is ganging up on them if multiple people are trying to talk to the person at the same time. Keep your voice tone calm and focus on the present rather than yelling. Avoid arguing or challenging someone while they are in the throes of a crisis because it won’t be productive. Be concise and simple with your language. A child in crisis is likely experiencing racing thoughts characterized by anxiety and fear, so too much talking can cause confusion and spawn more agitation. Repeat clear comforting phrases such as “You are safe. I’m here to help you. I will help keep you safe until you regain control.” Set expectations and limits on behavior that are easy to understand. Comments on unacceptable behavior should be conveyed in a style that is non-confrontational, respectful and confident, but avoiding acting in an authoritarian manner. Offer some soothing options such as food or medication, which can help the child in crisis feel empowered.

VALIDATE THEIR EXPERIENCE

People want to feel understood, especially when they are in crisis. Even if you don’t agree with their grievances, you can still validate them with empathy and compassion. Find a way to establish common ground. Seek out areas where you can agree, such as the reality of what happened and the principles of the situation. A crisis is not the time to go to battle with your child over the disagreements you have with how they are viewing the situation. They won’t be able to absorb your point of view clearly and rationally when they are experiencing emotional flooding. 

BODY LANGUAGE

How you behave physically when faced with your child’s agitation can be just as powerful as your verbal response. Respect their personal space. If you aren’t sure if they want you to be close or give them a hug, err on the side of caution and keep at least two arm lengths between you. Avoid using angry body language and gestures that tend to provoke, such as closed fists, crossed arms, or facial expressions that imply irritation. Maintain a relaxed body position. 

SAFETY ISSUES

It is wise to do some safety planning before a crisis develops. Discuss with family members what needs to be done so everyone stays safe. When working towards reducing the intensity of a potentially violent situation to stabilize the child, keep in mind that there might be safety issues. Quickly evaluate your surroundings to determine safety hazards. Take note of anything that can be thrown. Ensure there is an available exit route for you and the person in crisis. If possible, remove other people from the area – such as parties to the conflict and onlookers – because their presence could escalate the situation. But don’t leave someone alone when they are experiencing a mental health crisis. Call 911 if your child is a danger to themselves or others. 

ADDRESSING SUICIDAL IDEATION

Suicidal ideation is when someone is preoccupied with the idea of death and suicide. These intrusive thoughts can range from fleeting to formulating detailed plans to complete suicide. People sometimes think that avoiding the subject altogether is the best course of action because they don’t want to plant ideas in the mind of the person who is suffering. This is well-meaning but misguided. If you are worried, just ask them if they are considering killing themselves. Those who feel depressed and hopeless will often answer truthfully. Just being able to talk about the urge to take their own life can bring relief to the emotional disturbance building pressure inside them. If they acknowledge they are considering suicide, it is crucial to immediately get them the help they need to get past this crisis. You can reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988 for guidance. Your region might have mobile mental health crisis teams in your area that are able to provide additional help. 

ACCESS RESOURCES

You don’t have to face this situation alone. If the crisis is more than you can handle, there is no shame in seeking help from experts who can assist you and your child with navigating tough situations. There are resources out there that can provide help quickly, such as crisis teams and certified community behavioral health centers. Try calling the number on your insurance card. Some companies even set up prepaid appointments so those in need can get in quickly. 

Here are the contact numbers for established national organizations that are there to help on demand: 

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:

1-800-273-TALK (8255)

Crisis Text Line

741741

THE AFTERMATH

Once the crisis has passed and your child has calmed down, they will be better equipped to speak calmly and rationally about what they experienced. Have a debriefing that allows them to describe in more detail why they were upset. Discuss ideas for how you can work together to cope with future episodes if they become agitated again. Consider writing down these coping skills and displaying them somewhere in their room where they can easily review them when needed. If possible, debrief as a family, too. Go over what went well during the episode and identify areas that need improvement. Keep in mind that everyone has their own tendencies and vulnerabilities, so be aware of these and recognize when you might need to seek help outside the family with qualified professionals.